Not having enough self-love while you are in a relationship can lead to conflict, anger, resentment, and sometimes added conflicts may even lead to breakups. That is why you really need to learn to love yourself before getting committed in a relationship.
But what if you are already committed to someone? Does it mean you have to break up in order to do that inner work first? If you are in a relationship where the space between you is needy, harmful and annoying, things can still be turned around to make space for more love to flow. Learning self-love is an ongoing process and can be worked on at any stage of your love life.
Here are a few pieces of advice to grow your self-love :
1. Maintain independence.
Don’t let your relationship absorb your identity and don’t loose yourself in the relationship. Keep going to your activities, keep seeing your friends and spend time apart to nourish yourself and your relationship.
Spending time apart will allow you to reconnect with yourself, think, and grow as a person.
2. Don’t rely on your partner for happiness.
You are the one one who can make yourself happy. It is not the responsibility of your partner to make you happy. If you rely on them for fulfillment, you will drain the space between you. This is easier said than done, but you need to develop that over time. It starts with adopting a mindset that happiness is a free choice, which means you give yourself the power to be happy. It is hard work but it’s freeing because you don’t allow your happiness to be dictated by someone else or by external events. Choosing to be happy means accepting that the only person you can change is yourself. Instead of wanting to change others, you have to work on your inner self and meet your own needs yourself.
Do the things you have always wanted to do. Embrace the present moment and take care of yourself. Show yourself compassion and care. Take that cup of coffee and those few minutes to sit down, read a good book and calm your mind. This will help slow down your mind, and find a moment of true joy within your day.
Also work through the baggage of your past, it will make you feel better, but most of all, stay present and choose happiness now.
3. Acknowledge in yourself what your partner sees in you.
People who tend to be insecure struggle seeing their good qualities which their partner sees in them. Ask your partner what they like in your personality. This is a great exercise for couples. You can even make a list of ten things you love about each other and take turns saying them out loud for your partner.
Doing this regularly will allow you to internalize it and start to believe it. You may even be surprised: what you may see as a defect, your partner may see as a quality!
Being in a relationship not only allows you to learn about the other person, it also teaches you a lot about yourself.
4. Don’t feel bad when your partner shed lights on your flaws.
A relationship will also hold up a mirror to your flaws. Small things which you may not even see may annoy your partner and you may learn this the hard way. This is the time to pick the things you want to work on and to become a better version of yourself. But don’t let it get in the way of self-love. Having flaws doesn’t mean you are not a beautiful person.
Also, it will happen that in a relationship you will say or do things that you regret. Don’t beat yourself up about it. This is life and relationships are a great teacher.
5. Practice self care.
Make time to take care of yourself and fulfill your needs. Do this by planning “me” time everyday. This time will be a time where you will be your own priority. Do the things that you enjoy. It can be going for a run, reading a magazine, or journaling. You need to create little self-love ritual. If you can make it a habit, the cumulative benefits will add up.
Self-care and self-love are essential to enjoying a fulfilling, healthy, and positive relationship. It will allow you to be more confident and to feel good about yourself. This positive energy you bring from within will be brought into the space between you two.
If you feel that you are loosing yourself in your relationship, put priority on yourself, work on developing self-love, and you will see things greatly improve for the better between you two.
